My Official Statement to Kellogg

You would think Kellogg would want the marijuana advocates on their side, seeing as most of their foods like Cheez-Its, Chips Deluxe, and Pop-Tarts, fall into the realm of quintessential munchie foods.  I can just see the headline now – “Kellogg Shows Support for Phelps, Cheez-Its Fly Off Shelves”.  Obviously this is just a dream, as Kellogg has made an official statement regarding Michael Phelps’ marijuana incident by saying his behavior is, “not consistent with the image of Kellogg.”  Isn’t it funny how they are so concerned about one compromising picture of a world class athlete, yet seem utterly unconcerned with their own past?!  It is interesting to note that John Kellogg spent his life stressing the importance of keeping the colon clean through yogurt enemas, and deterring children from masturbation by bandaging or tying their hands, covering their genitals with patented cages, sewing the foreskin shut and electrical shock.

In response. and based on recent investigations into the tainted Kellogg past, I am ready to release my official statement.

“Dear Kellogg,

I am no longer willing to patronize a company that thinks its ok to place yogurt in an orfice that is obviously meant as an exit.  I also take issue with your predecessor’s stance on masturbation, and see his views as particularly harsh and damaging to children.  I am aware that people can change, and that the views of your founders do not necessarily represent those of the company now, but I am going to take a cue from your action toward Michael Phelps and subsequently punish your company for acts your founders have committed in the past.

Presently, I am very dissatisfied with your advertising campaigns through which you target children to desire your high sugar, low nutrition products like Rice Krispie Treats and the Keebler Elf family of products.  Your willingness to pollute the bodies of American children is despicable and is not just consistent with my image of a healthy America.”

And so begins the Kellogg boycott…  Brands I will no longer be purchasing include – Kellogg’s®, Keebler®, Pop-Tarts®, Eggo®, Cheez-It®, Club®, Nutri-Grain®, Rice Krispies®, All-Bran®, Special K®, Mini-Wheats®, Chips Deluxe®, Sandies®, Morningstar Farms®, Famous Amos®, and Murray®.