Scorpion King 2 Review

The Scorpion King 2 is the epic prequel to The Rock’s rise to power in the original Scorpion King movie.  You may not be aware that this terd of a movie even exists due to its ‘straight to DVD’ status, but it is a definite must-see for people that can appreciate painfully terrible acting and visual effects that could have been executed in the 1995 edition of Microsoft Paint.  The star-studded cast of Scorpion King II includes a bonehead UFC fighter, a female lead that is best known for her role as Courthouse Reporter #1 in Batman Begins, and a young Rock played by the amazing talent also known as Blue Time Force Ranger of Power Rangers Time Force. 

Randall McCormick (screenplay) and Stephen Sommers (character) should be burned with bacon grease and given multiple Indian burns for the role they played in creating this atrocious mockery of a film; it is like Xena Warrior Princess on PCP.  I am not any sort of Hollywood insider, but I feel fairly comfortable saying that anyone who views this film will see to it that McCormick and Sommers never work in this town again.  I could make a better movie with some paper cut outs of a unicorn and a shoebox diorama of a surf shop (the latter of which I have already done).

An overview of the film goes like this – young Rock’s father is killed by evil king that practices black magic.  Young Rock somehow gets involved with king and becomes part of the order of the scorpion, and gets a tattoo to properly display his affiliation with the scorpion force.   Now that he is part of the scorpion order, the king wants to make him one of his personal bodyguards, so to get Young Rock to show is loyalty, the evil king brings in the boy’s brother and orders him to kill him.  Predictably, and with terrible dialogue accompanying the scene, Young Rock chooses to free his brother from the chains that bind him and slice and/or dice all of the other guards in the room, with the exception of the king.  This, of course, really pisses the king off, but he remains calm and lets Young Rock and his brother escape, only to shoot brother in the back with an arrow.  During this time there are a lot of fight and chase scenes going on, throughout which people are falling all over the place and coughing out dust from their mouths after they land. There are also a lot of shots of the harem that the king keeps, a gaggle of scantily clad model-type women, whom I have to assume were the reason they busted their budget and had to skimp on the special effects.

Young Rock now goes on a glorious adventure, with his childhood girlfriend, the nosy Tomboy that wants a piece of the action.  They face danger, avoid the temptations of the female dark mistress, and meet companions – a Chinese acrobat that does not speak English, but fights with them anyway, and a Greek poet who knows the secret regarding how Young Rock can get this magical sword that can cut through anything.  Young Rock is able to kill the king, who not only morphs into a scorpion during their final battle, but actually becomes an invisible scorpion (amazing!) with terrible aim and/or disregard for his palace that proceeds to destroy all of the palace walls and furnishing, all while making things simply blow up due to his sheer force.  While Young Rock is fighting the laugh-out-loud funny invisible scorpion, his Greek friend is writing down the whole thing, and his woman and the acrobat are outside killing everything in their path.

My advice, drink a couple beers, maybe even a 12-pack, before watching this movie and you are sure to have a good time.  If you like the type of special effects in Tremors, or enjoy the feeling of knowing you could have made a better film based on documenting your toenail growth, you will REALLY like this movie.  Another fun option for Scorpion King II would be to mute it entirely and make up your own dialog to accompany the motion picture.  I can pretty much guarantee that anything you can spew from your mouth is going to be more entertaining that the garbage these actors were paid to say during the film.

As Levar Burton would say, “But you don’t have to take my word for it”.  Check out some of the reviews from IMDB:

This movie is like a hurricane…It sucks AND blows!!

If I could give this movie zero out of ten, I would! It TOTALLY SUX!!! Badly written, badly acted, badly directed/produced, bad music, crappy story line…I could go on and on.. I can’t believe they actually put this movie out on DVD. I want my $5.00 back. What a waste. Everyone in this movie speaks modern English…All of the accents are completely different(not because they’re supposed to be either)…the worst one of all being the people who don’t even TRY, and talk like they’re walking around the mall instead of taking their roles seriously. no wonder The Rock wouldn’t do this movie. After the first three minutes I wanted to bash my own head into a brick wall!! THIS IS THE FIRST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN THAT WAS SO INCREDIBLY HORRIBLE I HAD TO COMMENT ABOUT IT ON THIS OR ANY OTHER SITE. For the love of God, don’t watch this movie…it’ll make you wish you had lost all of your senses the second you pushed play.

P.S. The writers/directors/producers/casting agents/actors in/of this movie should be locked in a brick room and be forced to watch this movie nonstop while the rest of us take bets on how long it takes for one of them to bash their way through the wall with their head… THAT very well could be the only method that lot has of effectively entertaining anyone with this movie.

109 Min of pure pain. . .

Super Awful Movie Night. A classic gem. So there we were, cruising through blockbuster, when we stumbled upon, what might arguably be, one of the most influential monumental achievements in recent film making history. Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior. How they came up with a marvelous title like that, One could fathom for the rest of his life. I don’t know what sold it to me more, the incredible choreography during the fight scenes or the very complex, intricate storyline, full of twists and turns carefully execute with Randy Couture’s superb acting (You know, he won the light heavyweight title at UFC 44 by defeating Tito Ortiz).

I lost myself between the compelling powerpoint transition effects (the wipes). I believe the characterization between Mathayus and Layla was one that rivals Casablanca. Every witty anecdote by the Poet (not scribe, mind you) was hilarious, and definitely added to the comedic humor. The stunt sequences were mind blowing, not to mention the appropriately injected slow motion sequences, with some of the finest CGI that has ever graced cinematic history (The Invisible Scorpion).

My only complain about the movie was that it Didn’t see a big Screen release.

Why?! Oh dear god, why?

Movies like this make me really, really sad. I just can’t understand why the film industry keep wasting money on cr*p like this when there are so many talented film makers out there. Hey studios! – please invest in better ideas, better scripts and better, more creative people! This is an absolutely awful movie in every way. Very bad acting (what the h*ll is Randy Couture doing, trying to act? It’s ridiculous!), bad decor (think cheap TV-show) and bad special effects (I can do better on my home PC). I watch almost anything and seldom take the time to leave comments. However, in the case of Scorpion King 2, I have no choice – I must warn others, I must try to rescue them from this horrible production. Personally, I feel offended (and embarrassed) having spent time watching this . . .