While I never met Andrea, I was introduced to her blog a few months ago through a friend in the Philadelphia area holding a fund raiser in her honor. Punk Rock Mommy is Andrea’s weblog, and was created by her to document the journey of a wife and mother of six’s battle with Inflammatory Breast Cancer (or IBC). IBC is one of the most serious forms of breast cancer, and it is not easily detected by mammograms. It is characterized by rapid, aggressive spreading to other body organs through the lymph nodes; actually blocking the lymph vessels in the skin of the breast.
The way Andrea was able to chronicle her life with cancer is absolutely amazing, and every time I read her entries I can not help but to think how brave she was for opening up, being so candid, and sharing her experience with a bunch of strangers like myself. Instead of speaking for her, I will let her words speak to you:
Everyone is a Critic, May 27th 2008
Oddly enough I sometimes get backlash comments for being too positive. As in Dr. Dan portrayed me as being super upbeat and not every cancer patient can be that way because they are “suffering”. I suffered. I suffer. But I also am careful to not let my spirit suffer along with my body. I have extreme physical pain in my sciatic nerve and shoulder. I have gross swelling of the left arm that is caused by my lymphedema. Throughout the last several months I have lost nearly all the muscle tone and strength in my dominant hand. Over the year I was on chemo I suffered like EVERYONE who endures chemo. That’s chemo. It makes you very sick. But here is the line. It is very often said as long as you have your health….You know this expression? We ll what happens when you don’t. What can you say then? I said “Fuck it. I have today. I might be sick. I might die. But I am going to enjoy every little thing until there is no more.”
Now this attitude stuns some people. Others are right there with me. I have heard criticisms because I say things about what cancer has taught me. As if I am saying I am a sage now. Which I most certainly am not. I had a lot to learn about life. And what it means to be self less and forgiving. Those things I learned from being a mom and being married to an alcoholic. I learned a lot of lessons from going back to school. I learned lessons from my close friends who were willing to tell me hard truths. And I learned a lot about love, marriage, and partnership from Kelly who frequently had to remind me that he was “on my side”. But I didn’t have a blog while I was learning those lessons. I didn’t have a forum for those epiphanies. I have one now. With cancer. And for now I am talking about those lessons. I am living a life based on acceptance. Whether you are an atheist or a zealot I don’t care. We all must accept that our lives follow a random and chaotic course designed to enlighten us. Dealing with that simple truth makes everything a lot easier.
I do not think I am smarter or more enlightened than others. Nor am I happy all the time. Although I am rarely depressed. But I was rarely depressed before my diagnosis. I am just me. I am just finding my way through a sea of medical treatments and bad news. But I am also resting on the peace of the Lord. I am resting in the arms of close friends and loved ones. I am learning about life from the fact that I am dying. But we are all dying. It is in fact the only thing we can count on in life.And I am not dying today. Today I am sore tired and weak. But I have NOTHING to complain about. So I will likely smile and laugh quite a bit today. So sue me.
Andrea passed away at 10:30 am on July 5th, 2008, in the company of friends and family. May her memory, courage, and spirit live on through everyone blessed enough to share their life with such a wonderful person.