Generally these sorts of outbursts come as the result of boredom or jealousy, and I think in the case of the “Kool Aid Bandit” it was a mixture of the two. He began his nonsensical attacks last evening by leaving some sort of remark implying I am sexually interested in members of the same gender. I figured it would not stop there, especially since I did not take the time to reply to his pis poor attempt at saying something hurtful. What do you know, like clockwork, el bandito started at it again, this time opening up with the ever-so-clever “can u suck my weiner”. I figured I should save this conversation as might be a good basis to do a little seminar on internet trolling grammar – I do not think I have ever been more correct in my life.
Lesson #1: “I” Before “E” Except After “C”
Troll use – “weiner”
The correct spelling of the word is wiener. If you are really serious about inviting someone to come near your man part via the internet, you should probably learn how to properly spell its slang name. Perhaps even more preferably, you could refrain from making mention of your genitalia when addressing someone, especially when the person you are addressing is married and has no interest in pursuing relations with gormless jail bait.
Lesson #2: Your vs. You’re
Troll use – “your a scum”
You, similar to a frighteningly large percentage of our population, exhibit an inability to distinguish between the possessive form of you (which is your) and the contraction for you are (which is you’re). I have to assume in this example you were trying to tell me that I AM scum, in which case, the proper usage of the English language would read – “you’re scum”. The “a” is simply not necessary once the phrase is written properly.
Lesson #3: Laziness
Troll use – “dude you prolly juss sit there all day hopin one person talks to you”
This is the reason why the rest of the world thinks Americans are uneducated fools. Take the time to use words in their proper form, with the proper spelling. I can guarantee that your future attempts at internet trolling will be taken more personally, and most likely have a greater effect, if you are able to make the victim believe you are somewhat intelligent. Insults given by someone that does not know how to properly spell the words “probably”, “just” and “hoping” do not bear much weight.
Lesson#4: Do Not Substitute Numbers for Words
Troll use – “you should be exctied sum1s talkin to you”
1 is a number, whereas one is a word. There are just too many things wrong with this phrase to go into more details at this moment. If you need a list differentiating actual numeric digits from their English spellings, let me know and I will obtain one for you. In response to this phrase, I am not excited to talk to someone that can not even spell the word excited, much less an individual that feels the need to splice their proper words with digits.
Lesson#5: Avoid repetition
Troll use – “[KOOL-Aid] OH YEAH”
“[KOOL-Aid] OH YEAHOH YEAH”
“[KOOL-Aid] OH YEAHOH YEAHOH YEAHOH YEAHOH YEAHOH YEAHOH YEAHOH YEAH” (goes on for about 40 more lines)
People understand the general points you are trying to make during your first mention of a new concept. If you are unsure whether or not they are grasping the idea, it is acceptable to bring it up again after about 5-10 minutes on another topic, or as your discretion permits. In this instance, I understand that you love Kool-Aid and are very excited about the article I wrote about the Kool-Aid man; your enthusiasm is appreciated.
A Few Other, Non-Grammatical, Take-Away Facts for Trolls:
I can see your IP address
When you think you are being tricky changing your name on the plugin on my page, all it is doing is telling me what you have changed your name to and from. My server logs the activity of all the users of my site, as well as their IP addresses. You have no idea what I know or who I know:)
You are not going to crash my server, page or personal computer by repeatedly sending me messages
Firstly, I am not using AOL to browse the web. Secondly, whip out a calendar, it is not 1995 anymore, im bombs do not work anymore.
Use spell check
I know it is hard to remember how to properly spell words like “something” and “talking” when coming up with such witty insults as “fag”, “you banger”, “pretty gay page” and “hey homo”, but spell check is free and already built into most instant messaging programs. Use it.