A Tribute to Zima

October 10, 2008 marks the end of an era.  In a statement released last week, MillerCoors has acknowledged they have halted production of the clear malt beverage known as Zima.  According to MillerCoors’ Chief Marketing Officer, Andy England, the decision was due to weakness in the “malternative” segment and declining consumer interest.  They are encouraging distributors to latch on to America’s newest heart-attack inducing, binge drinking craze – the caffeinated, alcoholic beverage.

I would just like to thank Zima for ever-so-gently introducing me to the world of late night partying.  I really enjoyed the many nights we spent together while I was still learning the ropes.  While you may now be gone, your flavor will not quickly be forgotten.  Your wondrous mix of 7-Up and sewer water never disappointed, and always managed to somehow taste ok if it made a reappearance in the toilet later that evening.  I will fondly look back on our many Jolly Rancher and Werther’s Original experiments, never forgetting that fine, autumn day when I discovered that red and green Jolly Rancher enhanced your delightful taste to a point of actual palatability.

Looking back on all of our fun times, I feel a bit guilty that I have since turned my back on you.  I feel even worse that I may have been part of a larger movement away from “malternatives” that has now prevented you from continuing to be the gateway alcohol for other under-age girls.  The thought of high schoolers and college freshman turning to a drink like Sparks to venture into the world of alcohol fills me with anxiety.

This new generation of drinkers will not have you to rely on as they explore uncharted drunken territory, but I will make sure your good name lives on.  If it were not for you I would have surely never made it into the realm of micro brews, much less made it through the Pabst Blue Ribbon stage of 2002.  You have taught me so much about being drunk, and it is with great pride and honor that I bid you adieu and place your name amongst other fallen beverage heroes like Pepsi Kona and Crystal Pepsi.

R.I.P. Zima