Southern California is an amalgamation of anything and everything tacky, gaudy, sophisticated, cutting-edge, and many trends can trace their roots back to this innovative region of the country. Fashion designer and pop icon calls Orange County her hometown, and we can all thank So Cal for starting the gigantic sunglasses look that every tight pants wearing, wannabe hipster in the country now adorn. With so many celebrities, designers and entrepreneurs, one can only imagine that this flair for fashion would somehow make its way onto and into the automobiles of Southern California. You can not go past more than 3 cars on the freeway without passing someone with a bumper sticker preaching that, supporting this or asking to ban that. I guess once upon a time someone was left wondering – why stop with bumper stickers? Which lead me to the creation of the following list -
15 Items You Should Remove From Your Automobile Immediately:
- Stick Figures of Your Family – You show off your pictures of them at work, to the random person behind you at the grocery store, your doctor, your dentist, your pharmacist, but contrary to your belief – we do not really care to see you, your husband, Billy, Paulie, Cindy and Ruff-Ruff’s stick figure likenesses on the back of your Ford Excursion.
- Making Your Car a Mobile Tombstone – This is a touchy one, but I am going to get right to the point – we all know it was sad that someone you were close to had to pass away too soon, but this in no way makes it ok to turn your automobile into a moving memorial for your deceased loved on. Honestly, I would come back from the dead just to rip the morbid sticker off your car.
- Silhouettes of Naked Women – There are two types of people that have these lady outlines on their cars, the first being the desert rats, and the second being women who think too much of themselves. Either way these stickers are just not good.
- <Fill in the blank> Racing – Are you racing to work? Do you actually take part in auto races where cameras record you driving on a course? Are you waiting for the Jack in the Box employee to hand you your Jumbo Jack so you can go tearing off and set a new world record for the quarter mile? I didn’t think so…
- Garfield with Suction Feet – This may have been cool in 1989, but the trend has since faded, and so has the color of your poor, tattered Garfield. Look on the bright side, you will actually be able to look properly out your windows now when you switch lanes on the freeway.
- My Non-Honor Student Can Beat Up Your Honor Student Bumper Sticker – This is just the epitome of American stupidity. Welcome to the land where physical prowess and aggression are more highly valued than intellect, education and academic success.
- Giant Pro Sports Team Emblem Covering Your Entire Back Window – I know, you LOVE the Raiders, I am an Eagles fan myself, but my love of the team does not posses me to purchase and affix a 3 foot x 3 foot sticker to my back window. Not only does this completely pointless show of affection for your team not assist them in actually winning any games, but it also obscured any hopes you may have had at avoiding cutting that person off on the freeway and causing a 10 car pile up. Go Raiders!
- Beer Stickers – The forbidden brew, another thing I also enjoy, but it is not always in good taste to promote your love for drinking on the automobile you may be hauling ass around in wasted. I guess this one should also apply to all types of beer paraphernalia, as beer and cars really just do not mix.
- Wal-Mart Rims – If you can not afford to get decent rims, just stick to the ones that came on your car stock. Enough said.
- Camouflage Seat Covers – Not only do you risk not being able to find your seat by using these, studies have shown that this decorative choice severely hurts one’s chances of finding a mate of above average intelligence. Single people, think about it.
- Your High School Tassel - Yay! You accomplished something that almost 90% of American citizens do! You go girl, hang that tassel proudly on your rear view mirror for all the world to see, and remember the days when a fresh zit or the thought of Billy dumping you before prom were the sum total of your anxieties, because now you have real things to worry about like a job, bills, a mortgage and a car payment.
- Wing – Unless your car is going to somehow morph into a flying machine and defy gravity after you reach speeds above 90 mph on the highway, I am not impressed. Instead maybe you should have saved that extra couple of hundred dollars you wasted on a vestigial accessory and spent it to finish the paint job on your Japanese-made car.
- Spin Rims – I believe in certain social circles these are also referred to as “Sprewells”. No matter what the nomenclature, these shiny, spinning rims are going to set you back about $10,000; money that could have been better spent having your tribal armband tattoo lasered off or stockpiling rice and honey for the upcoming apocalypse.
- Mirror Dice – I find it hard to believe that these were ever a neat thing to have in your automobile, but just in case there are still some people out there unsure as to whether or not it is acceptable to dangle furry dice from your rear view mirror – it is 100% not ok.
- Tow Hitch Balls – Speaking of dangling… Grade school did a fine job of instructing me about the differences between boys and girls, therefore I do not need an anatomy lesson from the back of your jacked up truck when I head out to pick up a burrito. You are a male human, you have balls, we get it, keep the real ones in your pants and the fake ones in your garage, and I have no issues.