Just Like Sleeping on the Moon

Our king sized bed made the move from Pennsylvania to California with no problems, and has been a pleasure to rest on, until about 6-9 months ago. When this bed was tested in their sleep labs, the manufacturer must have neglected to examine the effects of a 120ish pound female sleeping in the same position each evening with core body temperature reaching 120+ degrees Fahrenheit. Somehow I have caused this bed’s fluffy upper pillow-like layer to melt away to the innermost structure of the bed, thus creating an intense feeling of discomfort for anyone wishing to use the sleep apparatus for its intended purpose.

I am 100% positive that I am the one compromising the bed’s structure because the 8 inch deep divots only exist in the two places I choose to lay in. I can deal with locating and conforming to the craters, since they are perfectly molded to my body shape, but when Butterfinger and I actually try to sleep at the same time, there are major problems. With two people on the bed it is impossible to stay within my burned in space, and we are pulled into the black hole located in the center of the bed. No amount of Buddhist meditation could relax your back muscles enough to prepare you for this treacherous terrain. Despite your best effort muscular intuition will prosper and will to try to hold you up on the incline, instead of allowing you roll into the black hole of non-existence.

Ow. The bed is going up on Craigslist tomorrow, and we are going to start sleeping on the extra supreme model air bed that my mom got us. At least this way when my internal furnace kicks on, the air bed will counter adjust by expanding, instead of the denaturization of a solid mattress structure. My only fear at this point is that the air bed was similarly not tested on superhumans like myself, and I will wake up to a loud POP and be starting a fire on the wood floor. Note to self – install smoke detector in bedroom.